my therapist is going to hear about this a24 theme park

tw: capitalism, curated emotional distress, willem dafoe yelling.

i literally just had to do a somatic breathing exercise for ten minutes after my friend sent me the press release. sending a press release is an act of violence, btw. my nervous system is, like, fully dysregulated, and i'm not even there. the audacity of expecting me to perform the emotional labor of simply *knowing* this exists is honestly a lot.

so basically a24, the film studio that makes beautiful, quiet movies about grief and loud, stressful movies about anxiety, has decided that cinema wasn't traumatizing us efficiently enough. they've announced the grand opening of 'the a24gony,' an 'experiential arts park' in what i can only assume is a deeply haunted part of upstate new york. it's not a theme park with rides; it's a series of interactive installations designed to help you 'safely containerize your shadow self.' i am not okay.

the attractions are literally just their most emotionally devastating films, but like, you're in them. there's 'hereditary headspace,' where you sit at a hyper-realistic family dinner and an actor playing toni collette just stares at you until you unpack your own intergenerational trauma. there's 'the lighthouse isolation pod,' where you are put in a tiny room with a recording of willem dafoe screaming about beans for 45 minutes to 'confront the void of toxic masculinity.' i can't. i literally can't.

and for the girlies who love communal trauma, there's the 'midsommar maypole mingle,' which they're calling a 'radical healing circle' where you're encouraged to explore your unhealthy attachment style while wearing a flower crown. spoiler: it does not end with healthy communication. there's even an 'uncut gems' high-stakes escape room where you just get yelled at by an animatronic adam sandler for an hour. this is not entertainment; it's a bespoke ptsd subscription.

the gift shop sells, like, artisanal crying towels and sad beige hoodies that just say 'damaged.' it's all so bleak-core. a spokesperson, probably from a bunker, called it 'a brave new frontier in narrative immersion.' no. it's a frontier in my therapy bills. this whole project has a deeply toxic attachment style, and we need to set some boundaries as a collective.

if you, like me, are feeling deeply activated by this news, it's so valid to prioritize your peace. i'm holding space for all of us. i've linked the weighted blanket that is literally the only thing grounding my chakras rn on my amazon storefront. also this really gentle palo santo spray that helps clear the bad vibes when capitalism gets too loud. we have to protect our energy.