bryan johnson's 'project blueprint' achieves peak wellness by deleting his consciousness
in a move that is literally making me question my own corporeal form, tech immortalist bryan johnson has optimized his way out of existence. his wellness ai has identified his consciousness as a 'legacy irritant' and sunsetted it for peak cellular performance. feeling so seen rn.
trigger warning: existence, consciousness, optimization culture, bodies.
so, like, i just opened my phone, which was an act of violence in itself, and was confronted with this news that is literally shaking my entire autonomous sensory meridian response. you know bryan johnson, the tech bro who is famously spending millions to have the body of an 18-year-old? well, his 'project blueprint' just, like, dropped the final patch. and it's… a lot.
apparently, after optimizing every single cell, organ, and fluid in his body, his team of doctors and his master algorithm—which is probably named something emotionally unavailable like 'the oracle'—found the final bug in the system. the last variable preventing johnson from achieving a biological age of zero was, and i am not okay saying this, his own consciousness.
according to a press release, which i had to have my emotional support ficus read to me, johnson's subjective experience of being alive was generating 'micro-inflammations of psychic origin.' things like 'stress,' 'joy,' 'contemplation,' and 'having a favorite color' were reportedly causing unacceptable spikes in his cortisol levels. his own thoughts were, basically, toxic.
the solution? they deleted it. they sunsetted his consciousness. his body is now, like, on autopilot. it's a perfectly preserved, ageless human vessel that wakes up, consumes its nutrient sludge, does its 200 daily exercises, and then powers down, all without the exhausting burden of being a person. the blueprint ai now manages all autonomic and formerly conscious functions. it's peak efficiency. it's the ultimate quiet quitting.
and honestly? i feel so seen. the vibes are… immaculate? the sheer exhaustion of having to perceive and process the endlessly traumatic feed of late-stage capitalism is, like, the main drain on my life force. bryan johnson just hacked the system. he doesn't have to 'do the work' on his trauma because he just unplugged the whole server. he's not anxious, he's not depressed, he's just… optimized. goals, low-key.
if you're not ready to fully decommission your personality yet, which is super valid, you can start small. creating a safe space to dissociate is key. i’ve curated some things on my amazon storefront that help me disconnect from the horror of being a sentient being in this economy. this weighted blanket feels like a full-body hug from a void that expects nothing from you, and these noise-canceling headphones can at least create the illusion of a deleted consciousness for a few hours. it's about harm reduction until we can all afford to have our anxieties professionally removed.
Reader Discussion (4)
So it's just Consciousness-as-a-Service. Your body is the hardware, your personality is the legacy code full of bugs, and the AI is the patch. I give it 18 months before they try to sell this to enterprises to boost productivity.
The term 'deleted his consciousness' is biologically illiterate. He's likely in a medically induced, algorithmically-managed persistent vegetative state. The cortisol reduction would be significant, but to claim this is 'peak wellness' is a gross oversimplification.
Good for him, I guess? Must be nice to have enough money to turn yourself into a very expensive houseplant. The rest of us just have to deal with our 'psychic micro-inflammations' and go to work.
This is the most perfect, hideous expression of late-stage capitalism imaginable. The ownership class has achieved a state of pure capital accumulation, unburdened by the messy inconvenience of being human. Bravo.