opinion: bryan johnson's nutty pudding is my forever girl dinner

it's 7pm. the vibes are low. my nervous system is, like, fully activated from a day of dissociating through zoom meetings where people used exclamation points, which is honestly a microaggression. and now i'm expected to perform the emotional and physical labor of... dinner? the tyranny of the spice rack? the sheer violence of a pre-heated oven? i can't. i literally can't.

for weeks i've been in a doom scroll loop about what to eat, paralyzed by the trauma of choice inflicted on us by a toxic food economy. and then, like a calming, data-driven beacon in the chaos, i found my truth: bryan johnson.

i know what the haters, who are probably still trapped in the problematic cycle of 'flavor' and 'joy,' will say. they'll say his project blueprint is unhinged. dystopian. but what i see is a king who has liberated himself from the patriarchal expectation of chewing. he's hacked the system. his 'super veggie' and 'nutty pudding' aren't meals; they're boundaries.

this is the ultimate girl dinner. it's a small plate of... fifty-four pills. it's a delicious, beige-colored goo that requires zero effort and asks nothing of you. it's the physical manifestation of telling the world, 'i do not have the bandwidth for this.' it's about reclaiming your time from the clutches of 'satiety' and investing it back into regulating your cortisol levels.

everyone thinks he's trying to live forever, but i think he's just trying to have to make as few decisions as possible, and that's so valid it actually hurts. he's protecting his peace, one algorithmically-perfected spoonful of sludge at a time. he's not bio-hacking his body; he's bio-hacking his capacity to deal with a world that is constantly making demands of him.

i, for one, am ready to ascend. i'm de-platforming solid foods from my life. my entire existence is about to be low-demand, optimized, and blended into a vaguely green paste. if you want to join me on this journey of radical acceptance, i've linked the high-speed blender he uses in my amazon storefront. because you deserve to have your nutrients delivered with the impersonal efficiency of an IV drip. it's called self-care.