biohacking bros discover napping, call it 'involuntary consciousness offloading'

tw: performative wellness, optimization culture

um, so my inbox was violated this morning with a press release that was a literal assault on my energetic field. i am, and i need you to hear this, so deeply tired. bryan johnson, the tech person who is spending millions to not be his age, has a new 'protocol' in his blueprint project, and i am just... not holding space for this right now.

it's called 'somasync stasis,' and it's being framed as a revolutionary bio-hack for cellular rejuvenation. they're using words like 'neural defragmentation' and 'mitochondrial latency' and honestly, the emotional labor of just reading the email has me needing to disassociate for like, a week.

so, after, like, way too much doomscrolling and processing with my therapist, i figured out what somasync stasis actually is. it's a nap. it's literally just lying down in a dark, quiet room and closing your eyes for 20-90 minutes.

but it's not a nap, because that would be accessible and free, which is obvi not the vibe for silicon valley. no, this is an 'interventional bio-state' that you can only achieve in their proprietary 'stasis pods,' which are basically just extremely expensive beds in a quiet room. a subscription for the 'guided stasis protocol' is, and i'm not okay saying this, $5,000 a month. for a voice telling you to sleep.

bryan johnson said in the release that 'we have unlocked the profound anti-aging properties of temporary non-existence.' which is... so dark? like, he discovered that being unconscious is restful. ground-breaking.

the fact that our toxic hustle culture has pushed us so far that people can commodify and sell us back our own basic biological need for rest is just... a lot. it's a trauma response to late-stage capitalism. we're all just trying to exist and they're trying to charge us for the 'offline' moments.

my entire somatic system is screaming. i'm going to go lay under my weighted blanket to reclaim my rest from the tech-bros. it's so soft and grounding, and it doesn't require a venture capital pitch deck to use. if you're also feeling deeply dysregulated by this whole narrative, you can find a similar one on my storefront. it's not a bio-hack, it's just, like, a hug you can buy.

i guess we have to find joy where we can, even when the world is a waking nightmare of optimization. please be gentle with yourselves today. existing is a lot of work.