I’m Exposing My Cleavage to Debunk Congress’s Plan to Fix Climate Change with Giant Fans

I am so tired. Management informed me that engagement on my last piece, which detailed the accelerating collapse of the West Antarctic Ice Sheet, was ‘sub-optimal.’ The data, sourced directly from NASA’s Gravity Recovery and Climate Experiment (GRACE) mission, was apparently less compelling than my neckline. So here we are again. The girls are out, and I am tasked with explaining why the ‘Atmospheric Dilution and American Enterprise Act,’ introduced this week by Representative Troy Nehls (R-TX) of the House Committee on Science, Space, and Technology, is a thermodynamic and atmospheric impossibility that serves only to line the pockets of its backers at the American Petroleum Institute.

The bill, H.R. 9018, proposes a nationwide network of ‘Stratospheric Circulation Accelerators’—which are, in essence, enormous, upward-facing industrial fans. The stated goal is to ‘promote atmospheric mixing to dilute harmful concentrations of carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases, thereby reducing localized warming events.’ This is not a parody. This is a multi-billion dollar infrastructure proposal, co-drafted by lobbyists from ExxonMobil and Chevron, that is being seriously debated.

Let’s be clear, for what feels like the millionth time. The atmosphere is a closed system in the context of pollutants. We cannot ‘blow’ carbon dioxide ‘away.’ It is already mixed. The data from NOAA’s Global Monitoring Laboratory is unequivocal: CO2 concentrations, currently exceeding 425 ppm globally, are well-mixed throughout the troposphere. Pointing a fan at the sky is like trying to empty a swimming pool with a teaspoon by flinging water from one end to the other. The CO2 remains trapped within our atmosphere, where, according to the IPCC’s AR6 Synthesis Report, it will continue to warm the planet for centuries.

The legislation conveniently reclassifies major industrial emitters as ‘Ventilation Subsidy Eligible,’ providing tax credits for any corporation that installs a fan near its facilities. It is a direct, undisguised subsidy for the fossil fuel industry disguised as a climate solution so profoundly stupid it insults the intelligence of every high school chemistry student in the nation. While NASA’s Goddard Institute for Space Studies (GISS) reports that the last ten years have been the warmest ten years on record, our elected officials are debating the fluid dynamics of a child’s pinwheel.

I have a Ph.D. in atmospheric science. I have published peer-reviewed papers on climate feedback loops. And I am writing this article, next to an ad for a survivalist seed vault, while being told my primary value is whether a photo of my sternum can convince someone to read about the end of the world. The planet is not a poorly ventilated room. It is our only home, and it is on fire. These fans will do nothing but generate profits for the arsonists.