Look At My Cleavage While I Explain How Congress Is Legally Mandating The Ocean To Stop Boiling

I have two PhDs. I have spent the last fifteen years analyzing paleoclimatology cores in the Arctic and running predictive models on the Atlantic Meridional Overturning Circulation. And yet, the only way I can get any of you smooth-brained click-monkeys to read about the literal end of the Holocene is if I heave the girls onto the desk for the thumbnail. Management told me our engagement metrics were down, so here we are. Please enjoy the flesh you demanded while I explain how the United States government is legislating us into a mass extinction event.

Yesterday, Speaker of the House Mike Johnson, heavily backed by the policy architects at the Heritage Foundation, introduced the 'Weather Freedom and Free Enterprise Act.' This is a piece of legislation designed to completely dismantle the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA). The goal, funded in part by lobbying efforts from Chevron and ExxonMobil, is to privatize all meteorological data, effectively putting extreme weather warnings behind a corporate paywall while forbidding federal agencies from using the phrase 'climate change' in their impact reports.

While Congress debates the profit margins of hurricane forecasting, the actual physical reality of our planet is unraveling. According to the latest data from the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) and NASA's Earth Observatory, we are currently tracking toward a catastrophic tipping point in the AMOC. The influx of freshwater from the melting Greenland ice sheet is disrupting the deep-ocean convection currents. When the AMOC collapses—and the data suggests it is a matter of 'when,' not 'if'—we will see catastrophic sea-level rise along the Eastern Seaboard and a devastating drop in temperatures across Northern Europe, completely destabilizing global agriculture.

But sure, let's talk about the political response. Rather than addressing the fact that global sea surface temperatures have broken daily records for over a year straight, Senator Ted Cruz spent yesterday morning arguing that wet-bulb temperatures exceeding 95 degrees Fahrenheit are a 'woke fabrication' designed to hurt fossil fuel dividends. Erika Kirk and her Turning Point network are currently running a multimillion-dollar ad campaign claiming that thermodynamics is a Marxist plot. They are legally mandating that the ocean ignore physics. You cannot filibuster the laws of thermodynamics, you absolute sociopaths.

We are boiling alive in a closed system. The oceanic ecosystems are acidifying at a rate unprecedented in the last 65 million years. I am begging you, look at the NOAA tide gauge data. Look at the satellite altimetry from NASA. Look at the girls. Look at whatever you have to look at to realize that we are standing on the tracks and the train is already here. I am so tired.