my nervous system is literally short-circuiting because congress is funding the military with tiktok challenges now
trigger warning: bipartisan cringe. the capitol is now a content house for defense contractors and i am, like, emotionally unavailable to process this.
it’s just, like, a lot right now. i’m trying to hold space for the fact that the entire legislative branch has fully transitioned to a sponsored content model, but honestly, my capacity is so limited. the vibe shift in d.c. is toxic. passing a bill isn't about, like, 'votes' or 'debate' anymore—it’s about which caucus can get the most duets for a sponsored hashtag.
i am literally shaking right now thinking about the #LockheedMartinLaserLippie challenge. apparently, to fund the new F-45 StarScreech fighter jet, members of congress have to post a thirst trap set to a sped-up lofi remix of the national anthem. the post has to tag @LockheedMartinOfficial and use a special filter that makes it look like you have laser beams shooting from your eyes. the whole thing is meant to raise awareness for, and i’m not okay saying this, 'next-gen aerial lethality.'
i saw representative alexandria ocasio-cortez’s post, and while her choreography was admittedly on point, watching her explain the geopolitical necessity of hypersonic munitions while hitting a perfect slo-mo hair flip felt like a personal attack. on the other side, congressman matt gaetz tried to do it, but the algorithm clearly shadow-banned him for bad lighting. it's all so performative. the literal labor of running a country is now just chasing virality for weapons manufacturers, and nobody is acknowledging the trauma of that.
this all started after the 'authenticity in governance act of 2025' which was supposed to make politicians more 'real.' but it was just a back-door deal with meta and tiktok to make lobbying a public spectacle. now, a filibuster is just when a senator goes live for 14 hours unboxing pr packages from boeing. appropriations bills are decided by which congressional committee wins a dance battle. it's so, so draining.
my therapist says i need to disconnect, but how can i when the speaker of the house is announcing the federal budget via a grimace shake-inspired mukbang? the psychic damage of watching our leaders pander for clicks to fund the pentagon is just... i can’t. if you’re also feeling completely overwhelmed by the military-industrial-influencer complex, i made a list of my favorite noise-canceling headphones and weighted blankets on my amazon storefront. you know, for self-regulating through the collapse. stay safe out there. the vibes are not it.
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Reader Discussion (5)
There is no such thing as an 'F-45 StarScreech.' The current next-gen program is NGAD. The author is literally inventing military hardware to make a point, which undermines their entire credibility.
This is just lobbying with better engagement metrics. It's more efficient than steak dinners and it's all public. I fail to see the actual problem here, it's just late-stage capitalism finding new markets.
And who's the one with the 'on point' choreography? AOC, of course. This is the future the radical left wants: turning our government into a giant, embarrassing talent show to impress their socialist followers.
Honestly, is this any dumber than how it worked before? At least this way we get to see our elected officials humiliate themselves for Raytheon. It feels more honest, somehow.
I don't understand any of this. Why are congressmen on a chinese app to begin with? We need serious leaders, not... whatever this is. This country is going downhill fast.