tech ceo gently invites you to delete your dreams for, like, peak productivity
it's just, like, what if we could reclaim the one-third of our lives we spend unconscious? but also, like, at what cost to our literal souls? idk, the vibe is off.
okay, so, like, can we just hold space for a sec and talk about sleep? it feels like the last thing they haven't optimized yet, you know? like this one little corner of our existence that hasn't been turned into a side hustle. well, i guess the universe heard my intrusive thoughts because tech visionary xylon zusk is, like, trying to sunset the whole concept of sleep. it's just… so exhausting.
zusk’s new venture, somn™—which is apparently a subsidiary of elysian corp, whatever that is—just announced their flagship product: the neuro-cradle. it's this, like, super sleek white pod that you get into instead of bed. using what they call 'circadian un-scheduling' and 'quantum-entangled nootropics,' it promises to replace eight hours of messy, unpredictable dreaming with a state of 'optimized continuous consciousness,' or occ.
the whole pitch is that we can 'reclaim 33% of our lifespan' by never having to log off. zusk said in the keynote that sleep is 'legacy biological firmware' and that dreams are just 'inefficient data dumps.' instead, with the neuro-cradle, you just lie there in a state of calm, hyper-attentive awareness, able to, like, process spreadsheets or learn a new language or just… continue to be productive. forever.
it's all just… a lot. the early adopters are calling the experience 'transcendent,' but they also mention some, like, gentle side effects, like 'total ego-dissolution,' 'mild temporal dysphoria,' and 'a persistent, gentle hum where your dreams used to be.' and like, i'm sorry, but my dreams, as stressful as they are, are mine? that hum is not the vibe.
the pressure to literally never stop is just so heavy, you know? i'm really trying to do the work and reclaim my own rest practice. this weighted blanket has been, like, a literal hug for my nervous system, and you can find it on my storefront. it doesn't ask me to optimize anything. and this lavender pillow spray? it doesn't delete my subconscious, it just, like, honors it. also on my storefront, obvi.
i don't know. maybe giving up your inner world for an extra eight hours of productivity a day is the next big wellness trend. maybe i'm the one who's broken. i just feel like i need a nap. or at least to lie down with my emotional support water bottle and dissociate for an hour. be gentle with yourselves.
Reader Discussion (2)
'Quantum-entangled nootropics' is just word salad. They're clearly using some kind of modulated transcranial magnetic stimulation, and calling it 'quantum' is just marketing fluff for the VCs.
Ah, great, sleep-as-a-service. Can't wait for the inevitable downtime, security patches that brick the device, and the monthly subscription fee increases. I'll stick to my analog, un-patched biological version, thanks.