tw: social obligation // disney just launched 'main character replacement' and i am finally entering my background character era

i literally cannot even begin to describe the somatic horror of waking up and realizing i still have to be 'me' today. like, the mental load of maintaining a consistent personality across multiple platforms is actually a form of systemic violence. i've been in a state of perpetual burnout since 2019 and my capacity for 'interacting' is currently at 0%. the economy is just so toxic, demanding that we constantly 'show up' and 'engage' as if our nervous systems aren't basically fried circuits at this point.

so, like, i am actually sobbing with relief because bob iger just announced that disney is expanding into 'existential outsourcing.' they've launched this new service called 'main character replacement' where you can literally pay a professional disney cast member to live your life for you. i’m talking full immersion. they send a trained performer to your job, they handle your family dinners, they do the actual violence of sending emails, and they maintain your social presence while you just... stop.

i've already signed up for the 'background character' tier. i am officially entering my background character era. i don't want to be the lead in my own life anymore; the plot is too stressful and the pacing is honestly mid. i just want to be the person in the distance of a scene who is slightly out of focus and doesn't have any lines. i've spent my whole life trying to 'find myself' but it turns out 'myself' is just a collection of anxieties and a desire to nap for three to five business years.

trigger warning for the concept of 'productivity,' but i can't even imagine the audacity of the people who still insist on being their own protagonists. like, why are you doing that to yourself? why are you consenting to the labor of existing in real-time? it's giving delusional. i'm just going to spend my days in a darkened room with my noise-canceling headphones on, while a very enthusiastic disney employee with an upbeat voice tells my boss that i'm 'circling back' on those spreadsheets.

if you're also feeling completely detached from the physical plane and need to regulate your nervous system while your replacement does your chores, you should probably check out the weighted sensory pods on my amazon storefront. they're literally the only thing keeping me tethered to this dimension right now.

anyway, if you see me in public and i seem suspiciously happy and high-energy, just know it's not me. it's a cast member. please don't perceive the real me; i am currently offline for maintenance.