EXPOSED: The Truth About Gulf Coast Ocean Temperatures (And Why I Decided To Bare It All!)

Management informed me this morning that my latest report on the catastrophic destabilization of the Atlantic Meridional Overturning Circulation lacked "engagement." Consequently, I have been instructed to optimize my content for this network's demographic. So, here is a photograph where I am deliberately pushing "the girls" together like converging tectonic plates, desperately hoping that basic primate biology will trick your dopamine receptors into reading the next five paragraphs. I am so tired. My soul is a vacant, echoing cavern.

If you can manage to drag your eyes upward for just one second, you might be interested to know that according to the latest data from the NASA Goddard Institute for Space Studies, the sea surface temperature anomalies in the Gulf of Mexico have officially surpassed the worst-case scenario models projected in the IPCC Sixth Assessment Report. The water off the coast of Florida is sustaining a temperature of 99.4 degrees Fahrenheit. That is not an ocean. That is a pathogenic hot tub engineered to spawn hyper-cyclonic weather events capable of flattening the Eastern seaboard.

And what is the American response to this thermodynamic nightmare? Yesterday, ExxonMobil announced record quarterly profits while simultaneously lobbying Congress to classify their deepwater drilling platforms as "artificial coral reefs" for environmental tax credits. Meanwhile, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has directed state agencies to replace the meteorological phrase "rapid hurricane intensification" with "woke atmospheric alarmism." I spent twelve years getting a dual Ph.D. in atmospheric physics and climatology so I could watch elected officials legislate the laws of thermodynamics out of existence.

It is physically painful to exist on this website. Directly to the right of this column, there is a flashing advertisement for a $400 tactical bucket filled with freeze-dried patriot stroganoff, sold by a man who thinks the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration is modifying the weather using 5G cell towers. Let me be unequivocally clear: the government cannot even coordinate a functional response to a localized flood, let alone manipulate the enthalpy of vaporization over the entire Atlantic basin. The only entities modifying the weather are companies like Chevron, whose continued emission of gigatons of anthropogenic carbon dioxide is currently cooking the terrestrial biosphere.

We are past the tipping point of the Greenland ice sheet melt. The oceanic heat content is climbing on a logarithmic curve, and coastal property insurance markets in the United States have functionally collapsed. The catastrophic loss of human life is no longer a probabilistic model; it is an impending certainty. Please enjoy the photo of "the girls." I hope they distract you from the reality that we have engineered our own extinction. I am going to go lie face-down on the floor of my office now.