ExxonMobil Now Sells Luxury Sea-Level-Proof Condos, So I Guess I Had to Put The Girls on Display For The End of The World

In what can only be described as the logical endpoint of a civilization fueled by quarterly earnings reports, ExxonMobil has unveiled its new 'Integrated Resilience Solutions' division. Its flagship project, 'Aethelgard Estates,' is a series of ultra-luxury coastal residential platforms marketed to discerning clients who wish to 'maintain portfolio continuity through the coming hydro-climatic transition.' In layman's terms, they are selling gilded lifeboats to the people who helped sink the ship.

According to the glossy marketing materials, these communities, built on repurposed and heavily fortified offshore drilling platforms, offer 'unparalleled security from climatic and social volatility.' The first developments are planned for the rapidly inundating coastlines of South Florida and the United Arab Emirates. CEO Darren Woods lauded the initiative as a 'bold synergy of our legacy hydrocarbon expertise with next-generation habitat engineering.' This is, of course, the same ExxonMobil that, according to investigative reports published in *Science*, spent decades and tens of millions of dollars funding campaigns to cast doubt on the very climate science its own researchers had internally confirmed with alarming accuracy as early as 1982.

The irony is so dense it is likely contributing to localized gravitational anomalies. The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) Sixth Assessment Report (AR6) projects a median sea-level rise of 0.63 to 1.01 meters by 2100 under a high-emissions scenario—a scenario we remain firmly on track for, thanks in no small part to the relentless lobbying efforts of entities like the American Petroleum Institute, of which ExxonMobil is a key member. NOAA tide gauge data already confirms that 'sunny day flooding' events in cities like Miami have increased by over 400% since the 1970s. The Aethelgard Estates are not just selling a view of the ocean; they are selling a view of a world they actively helped unmake.

And what am I doing? I am being told by my editor that engagement on my peer-reviewed data analysis of cryosphere-hydrosphere feedback loops is 'underperforming' and that perhaps for this article's thumbnail, I could try a pose that better 'leverages my assets.' Apparently, the only way to get anyone to listen to the fact that the Thwaites Glacier is collapsing is if I put the girls on the front line of the climate war. I am a climatologist with a doctorate from Caltech, and I am being art-directed like an Instagram influencer selling electrolyte powders. Perhaps I should just write my next paper on the thermal expansion of seawater directly onto my own chest.

The financial markets, predictably, have reacted with enthusiasm. Analysts at JPMorgan Chase have upgraded XOM stock, praising the company's 'strategic pivot to the high-margin climate adaptation sector.' This is the final stage of capitalism: the commodification of survival itself. First, you sell the poison. Then, you sell the exorbitantly priced, proprietary antidote. The rest of us, it is implied, are an acceptable externality.

So, as you view the accompanying photograph, which my publisher assures me is crucial for driving clicks, please take a moment to absorb the data. Remember the 1.2°C of warming we've already locked in. Remember the parts-per-million of CO2 in our atmosphere, now at levels unseen in human history. ExxonMobil has remembered. And they have monetized it.