gwyneth paltrow's goop to publish 'surviving the vibes,' a 400-page manifesto on the trauma of a low phone battery
in a move that is literally shaking my nervous system, goop has acquired the rights to influencer non-binary finsta's debut memoir, an exhaustive guide to navigating the micro-aggressions of everyday existence, like seeing a boomer use the wrong emoji.
it's like, so exhausting just existing right now, you know? the vibes are just… off. one minute you’re holding space for yourself by doomscrolling, and the next you’re being personally victimized by a push notification asking if you want to ‘get your steps in.’ it’s a lot. and finally, someone is brave enough to talk about it.
that someone is non-binary finsta, the chronically online poet laureate of gen z, whose vibes are immaculate and whose parents’ wifi is, like, a human right. and in a move that feels both deeply healing and also makes my cortisol levels spike, gwyneth paltrow’s lifestyle empire, goop, is publishing their first book, “surviving the vibes: a guide to not dissociating when your avocado isn’t ripe.”
i am literally unwell. in a good way.
the 400-page tome, bound in reclaimed beige linen, is a harrowing account of non-binary finsta’s lived experience in our toxic, late-stage capitalist hellscape. chapters include “the silent violence of being left on ‘read’,” “holding boundaries with a barista who spelled your name wrong,” and “re-parenting your inner child after seeing a ‘live, laugh, love’ sign ironically.”
gwyneth paltrow, in a press release that i had to read in my weighted blanket just to process, called the book “a crucial trigger warning for the human condition.” she said, “we at goop have always been at the forefront of conscious living. non-binary finsta’s work is the next frontier, validating the cellular-level trauma that occurs when your spotify discover weekly just, like, doesn’t get you.”
the book offers practical solutions for these modern traumas, which is so needed right now. for the psychic wound of a slow internet connection, non-binary finsta recommends goop’s g.tox 7-day reset kit ($195) to “detox your patience pathways.” to recover from the emotional labor of explaining a meme to your mom, they suggest a daily gratitude practice using my favorite rose quartz manifestation journal, which you can find on my amazon storefront. for the existential dread of an overflowing email inbox—a form of digital violence, tbh—they prescribe a weekend of silence, which can be enhanced with goop’s sound bath cd and a $1,200 ethically-sourced yurt.
it’s just so validating. for so long, we’ve been told that our struggles aren’t real. that being overwhelmed by the sheer number of oat milk brands at the grocery store isn't a legitimate form of decision fatigue. but it is. it literally is.
i’m already pre-ordering my copy, and i suggest you do too before the emotional weight of it all sells out. i’ve linked the book, plus my favorite emotional support water bottle for crying into, on my amazon storefront. stay safe out there. the vibes are intense.
Reader Discussion (2)
My generation had to deal with the Cold War and these kids need a $1200 yurt because someone spelled their name wrong on a coffee cup. We are doomed as a species. Utterly doomed.
You have to hand it to Paltrow's team. They've perfectly identified a new market segment of wealthy, perpetually-aggrieved young people and are selling them the same overpriced snake oil they sold to their mothers. It's a masterclass in market expansion.