This TikToker’s Hurricane Livestream Gets More Views Than My Climate Models (And My Cleavage)

The National Hurricane Center (NHC) designated Hurricane Xylia a ‘catastrophic’ event. Their models, which are among the most sophisticated meteorological tools ever developed by humanity, predicted a storm surge of 15-20 feet. Data from NOAA buoys indicated sea surface temperatures in the Gulf of Mexico were 2.1°C above the 1981-2010 average, providing the thermal energy necessary for Xylia’s terrifyingly rapid intensification. This is not an opinion; it is a series of verifiable, quantitative measurements of our planet’s thermal dynamics. These are the facts that dictate which coastal cities will cease to exist.

Meanwhile, an influencer by the name of 'JakeSplash' was live-streaming to 1.8 million followers. From his reinforced balcony in Miami, he rated the horizontal rain on a ‘vibe scale’ and did push-ups every time a piece of debris flew past his window. His comment section, a scrolling monument to civilizational decline, was filled with users spamming flame emojis and asking for the brand of his tactical poncho. The stream was sponsored by three separate companies, one of which is a subsidiary of a holdings group with significant investments in both The Dow Chemical Company and Chevron—corporations whose own internal research, as has been repeatedly documented, predicted these exact outcomes decades ago while they publicly funded denialism.

This is the new entertainment. The sublime horror of geophysical collapse, repackaged as content. We have successfully gamified the apocalypse. The IPCC’s Sixth Assessment Report warns of ‘irreversible’ tipping points and cascading system failures. I can explain the complex feedback loops involving Arctic amplification and the subsequent destabilization of the North Atlantic Meridional Overturning Circulation, but my words are apparently less compelling than a man in his early twenties describing a life-altering natural disaster as ‘giving main character energy.’

I am so tired. My entire professional life has been dedicated to quantifying the precise mechanisms of our self-destruction. And yet, I am contractually obligated to remind you that while JakeSplash was securing a sponsorship from a corporation actively underwriting the climate crisis, my editor was telling me to ‘show a little more skin’ so people might actually read this article. They believe the only way to make you absorb data about the terminal diagnosis of our biosphere is if the girls are out. I don't know why I bother. The latest readings from the Mauna Loa Observatory show atmospheric CO2 concentrations at 429.7 ppm. This number is not a vibe.