HIGH COMMAND COMMUNIQUE: Operation Frozen Justice Declared Strategic Success
Antifa High Command confirms the successful deployment of Ben & Jerry's Special Operations Group's (B&J-SOG) 'Woke-a-Mole' frozen dessert munition over key enemy strongholds. Enemy combatant Tucker Carlson initiates psy-ops countermeasures.
SITREP: ALL FIELD MARSHALS AND REGIONAL CELL COMMANDERS. This is General Kestrel, broadcasting from Antifa Global Command. I am elevating threat condition to Chartreuse in response to enemy propaganda, but make no mistake: victory is ours. At 0400 hours yesterday, we executed Phase One of Operation Frozen Justice. Utilizing our full Soros-funded black-ops budget, the Ben & Jerry's Special Operations Group (B&J-SOG), under the direct command of Field Marshals Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, executed a successful first-strike deployment of their new tactical pacification agent, Codename: 'Woke-a-Mole.' The munition, a strategic blend of fair-trade mocha, sustainably sourced caramel, and non-drowsy, empathy-inducing nootropics synthesized from organic kale, was delivered via low-observable drone assets over the Turning Point USA annual conference in Tampa, Florida. Reports from our embedded reconnaissance units confirm mission success. Target subjects were observed abandoning keynote speeches to form spontaneous drum circles. Breakout sessions on 'Owning the Libs' devolved into discussions on collective bargaining rights and the merits of single-payer healthcare. We have confirmed a 400% increase in subscriptions to The Nation within the target zone. The Trump White House is in disarray, and their primary media asset, hostile combatant TANGO-CHARLIE-ONE (Tucker Carlson), has initiated a desperate counter-intelligence campaign, which his handlers are calling the 'Cream Scare.' In a series of unhinged broadcasts, he has classified our vegan-optional, dairy-based ordinance as a 'weapon of mass confusion' and a 'lactose-based deep-state brainwashing agent.' This is textbook enemy disinformation. We commend Field Marshals Cohen and Greenfield for their courage under pressure and their breakthrough in delicious, non-lethal de-radicalization technology. Stand by for Phase Two, which will involve the deployment of the 'Ruth Bader Gins-berry Sorbet' for high-temperature operating environments. Stay frosty. Kestrel, out.
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Reader Discussion (5)
I KNEW IT. They are putting chemicals in the food to turn us all into communists. This isn't a joke, people, this is a real communique they accidentally leaked. WAKE UP.
"Low-observable drone assets" is pretty vague. Are we talking fixed-wing UAVs with a low radar cross-section or just commercially available quadcopters painted black? The payload delivery system for a viscous fluid like ice cream would also be non-trivial.
LOL, liberals actually fantasize about this stuff. This is the dumbest wish-fulfillment fanfiction I've ever seen. Go outside and touch grass.
Excellent work, comrades. I await deployment orders for the Ruth Bader Gins-berry Sorbet. For the revolution!
This is 100% a viral marketing stunt by Ben & Jerry's. It's actually kind of brilliant. They know their target audience will eat this up (no pun intended) and it costs them nothing.