SWEATY and EXPOSED! The Truth About My Body (And Ron DeSantis Outlawing The Thermometer)

Yes, I know why you clicked on this. Management informed me that my last piece on the catastrophic deceleration of the Atlantic Meridional Overturning Circulation didn't meet our 'engagement metrics,' so I was forced to supply a new thumbnail. I hope you are all highly satisfied with the fact that a credentialed atmospheric physicist is once again putting the girls on display just to trick you into reading about the literal, irreversible collapse of our habitable biosphere. I am so profoundly tired.

Now that you are here, let us discuss the terrifying, incontrovertible data emerging from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA). Sea surface temperatures in the Florida Keys have officially surpassed 101 degrees Fahrenheit. We are no longer observing a marine heatwave; we are monitoring a slow-cooker. The thermal stress on the remaining coral ecosystems has vastly exceeded the mortality thresholds established by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC). We are watching an entire trophic foundation turn into a calcium graveyard in real-time.

And how is our political apparatus responding to this unprecedented ecological trauma? This morning, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis signed the 'Sunshine State Economic Optimism Act,' a groundbreaking piece of legislation that formally bans the National Weather Service from using the colors 'dark red' or 'magenta' on public heat index maps. Furthermore, the bill legally caps all state-funded thermometer readings at 99 degrees, declaring any triple-digit meteorological data to be 'ideologically driven woke math designed to artificially depress real estate values in Miami-Dade County.'

I want you to really absorb the reality of this. The ocean heat content is rising at a rate of 15 zettajoules per year. The thermal expansion of the oceans is accelerating coastal inundation to the point where saltwater intrusion is actively destroying Florida's freshwater aquifers. And instead of mitigating greenhouse gas emissions, elected officials are legislatively mandating that water boils at a lower temperature to appease condominium developers.

My dissertation was on atmospheric thermodynamics. I spent seven years studying stratospheric aerosol injection and carbon cycle feedback loops. Now, I spend my days staring blankly at a wall, severely overmedicated, writing adjacent to targeted advertisements for 'Patriot Bucket MREs' and 'Alpha-Brain Testosterone Chews.' I have shoved the girls into your feed because it is the only way you will look at a graph of sea surface temperature anomalies. Please, I am begging you, stop voting for people who think you can legislate away the laws of physics. We are running out of time.