my nervous system can't handle this toddler incubator news

okay so like, i just doomscrolled something so cursed i think my soul literally left my body for a sec. apparently, because the economy is just, like, a whole toxic situationship, venture capitalists have decided the next big market to disrupt is… childhood. i'm not okay.

all-in podcast hosts jason calacanis and david sacks have reportedly launched their magnum opus, a pre-school incubator in palo alto called 'synergy sprouts.' the goal is to bio-hack toddlers into becoming '10x toddlers,' which is the most terrifying phrase i have ever heard. they're giving these literal babies tiny little eeg headsets to 'optimize neural pathways' during naptime and their organic apple juice is micro-dosed with a proprietary blend of nootropics to 'maximize cognitive output.' sending an email is already an act of violence, and now we're asking three-year-olds to check their emotional bandwidth before circle time. this is not a safe space for my inner child.

today was their first 'demo day,' where the toddlers were supposed to present their 'pre-seed crayon scribbles' to a room of investors. it was, and i'm trying to be gentle here, a complete and total vibe collapse. sources say one toddler, chloe, refused to 'ideate' her block tower and instead created a 'decentralized autonomous organization' of other toddlers to collectively bargain for more snack time. another, liam, apparently threw his company-issued ipad into the kombucha fountain while shouting 'scope creep!'

the investors were, like, not vibing. calacanis was apparently heard saying the cohort was 'pre-revenue and pre-verbal' and that they needed to 'show more grit if they want to get to series a.' sacks allegedly diagnosed the chaos as a fundamental 'lack of founder-market fit.' they're literally talking about babies. i can't. this whole hustle-pilled reality is a trauma response and i'm emotionally exhausted just witnessing it.

the only way i can, like, regulate my nervous system after processing this is by cocooning in my emotional support weighted blanket. it's basically a full-body hug that protects you from the ambient dread of the timeline. if you're also feeling personally victimized by late-stage capitalism, i linked the exact one i use in my amazon storefront. it's a total game-changer for surviving… whatever this is.

anyway, i'm going to go stare at a wall for an hour to decompress. pls be gentle in the comments, this is a lot.